The Narcissistic Father: Behaviours and Their Lasting Impact on Children
Growing up with a narcissistic father can shape a child’s inner world in ways that last well into adulthood. On the surface, he may appear charming, successful, or devoted. Behind closed doors, however, his behaviour is often driven by self-interest, control, and the need to maintain his image—rather than genuine care for his children.
Common Behaviours of a Narcissistic Father
Conditional love and approval – Affection, praise, and attention are given only when the child reflects well on him.
Emotional neglect – He shows little real curiosity about the child’s feelings or needs unless they serve his own.
Criticism and belittling – He chips away at self-esteem with mocking, dismissive, or demeaning comments.
Control and dominance – Children are expected to obey and conform, with little room for independence.
Competition – If a child outshines him, he may respond with jealousy or hostility.
Enmeshment – Children may be used to meet his emotional needs, becoming confidants or sources of admiration.
Favouritism and scapegoating – One child may be the “golden child” who can do no wrong, while another is cast as the “scapegoat,” blamed and criticised.
Lack of empathy – Vulnerability is dismissed, punished, or ignored.
Image management – Publicly he may act the role of the perfect father, while privately being harsh or neglectful.
Manipulation through guilt or fear – Compliance is often secured by making the child feel selfish, ungrateful, or afraid of rejection.
The Long-Term Impact on Children
The effects of these patterns don’t stop in childhood. Adult children of narcissistic fathers often carry deep wounds, such as:
Low self-worth – A persistent belief of never being good enough.
Weak boundaries – Difficulty saying no or trusting their own needs.
Perfectionism – Overachieving to earn validation, often at the cost of wellbeing.
People-pleasing – Putting others first out of fear of rejection.
Fear of criticism – A tendency to self-censor or avoid risks.
Intimacy struggles – Difficulty trusting, opening up, or feeling deserving in relationships.
Repetition of unhealthy dynamics – Being drawn to partners who are controlling, critical, or emotionally distant.
Guilt and shame – A deep-seated feeling that something is inherently wrong with them.
Emotional suppression – Trouble recognising or expressing feelings.
Identity confusion – Uncertainty about who they are outside of others’ expectations.
The Roles of “Golden Child” and “Scapegoat”
Narcissistic fathers often divide their children into roles. The golden child is idealised, praised, and used as an extension of the father’s ego. This child often grows up with intense pressure to perform, alongside guilt for secretly feeling unseen or trapped. The scapegoat, on the other hand, receives the blame for family problems, criticism, or rejection. They often internalise shame and develop resilience, but at great emotional cost.
Both roles are damaging, and both prevent children from being valued simply for who they are.
Moving Forward
Healing from a narcissistic father’s influence involves reclaiming one’s sense of worth and boundaries. Therapy, support groups, and compassionate relationships can help individuals untangle what belongs to them and what was projected onto them. The journey is about learning to see oneself not through the distorted mirror of a narcissistic parent, but with clarity, compassion, and self-respect.
