Understanding Relational Needs: The Foundation of Emotional Wellbeing

As human beings, we are wired for connection. From the moment we’re born, our emotional development is shaped by our relationships—particularly with our primary caregivers. These early interactions are crucial because they lay the foundation for how we view ourselves, others, and the world around us. Central to this development are what psychologists call relational needs.

What Are Relational Needs?

Relational needs are the emotional requirements we all have in close relationships—needs for love, acceptance, validation, empathy, presence, and attunement. These are not luxuries or extras; they are core to our psychological health and are as essential to our wellbeing as food and shelter are to our physical survival.

When these needs are met consistently by an empathically attuned caregiver, a child feels safe, seen, and soothed. They internalize a sense of being unconditionally loved, which becomes a secure base—a psychological platform from which they can explore the world, take risks, build healthy relationships, and bounce back from life’s inevitable challenges.

When Relational Needs Go Unmet

Unfortunately, not everyone receives this kind of consistent emotional support. When a caregiver is unavailable, unresponsive, overly critical, emotionally distant, or consumed by their own unresolved issues, the child’s relational needs go unmet. This isn’t always the result of intentional neglect—many caregivers are doing the best they can, often repeating patterns from their own upbringing. Nonetheless, the impact on the child can be profound.

Children are incredibly adaptive. In the face of emotional neglect or inconsistent care, they develop survival strategies—ways of behaving that help them stay connected to their caregiver or minimize emotional pain. These strategies are not conscious decisions; they emerge as psychological responses to unmet needs.

Driver Behaviours: The Legacy of Unmet Needs

Over time, these adaptive behaviours solidify into what Transactional Analysis calls Driver Behaviours. These include:

• Please People: Seeking approval by prioritizing others' needs over their own.

• Try Hard: Constantly striving and putting in effort, often without clear direction, to gain validation.

• Hurry Up: Moving quickly and rushing through life to feel worthy or avoid discomfort.

• Be Strong: Hiding vulnerability and emotions to appear capable and self-sufficient.

• Be Perfect: Holding oneself to impossibly high standards to feel acceptable or loved.

While these behaviours can be praised and even rewarded in certain environments, they come at a cost. They can lead to burnout, anxiety, disconnection from authentic needs, and difficulty forming genuine relationships.

The Journey Toward Healing

Awareness is the first step in healing. When we recognize our own driver behaviours and trace them back to unmet relational needs, we open the door to self-compassion and change. Therapy, self-reflection, and emotionally safe relationships can help us learn how to meet our needs in healthier ways.

Healing involves creating relationships—either with a therapist or trusted others—where our core needs can be acknowledged, validated, and met in real time. Through this process, we can begin to rewire our emotional expectations and reclaim the secure base that may have been missing in childhood.

Conclusion

Relational needs don’t disappear with age. They remain with us throughout life, shaping how we connect, love, and live. When these needs are met, we flourish. When they’re not, we adapt—but often in ways that cost us our authenticity and emotional wellbeing. By understanding and addressing our relational needs, we give ourselves the opportunity to heal, grow, and form deeper, more fulfilling connections.

Understanding the Polyvagal Theory and the Triune Brain: Why We Fight, Flee, or Freeze

Have you ever found yourself reacting to stress in a way that surprises you—snapping at someone, going numb, or suddenly fleeing a situation? These instinctive responses aren’t random. They are deeply wired into our biology, shaped by millions of years of evolution. To understand why we react the way we do under stress, we can look at two powerful frameworks: Polyvagal Theory and the Triune Brain Model.

The Triune Brain: Our Three-in-One Operating System

Neuroscientist Paul MacLean proposed the Triune Brain Model to explain the layered development of the human brain. While it's more of a metaphor than a precise anatomical model, it helps us understand the evolutionary roots of our behaviour.

1. Reptilian Brain (Brainstem)
   The most ancient part of the brain, responsible for survival functions like heartbeat, breathing, and the freeze response. This brain keeps us alive, and it's all about automatic, instinctual reactions.

2. Limbic System (Mammalian Brain)
   This layer handles emotion, memories, and social bonding. It's the home of our fight or flight responses—activated when we perceive threat and need to react fast.

3. Neocortex (Human Brain)
   The most evolved part, responsible for reasoning, decision-making, language, and self-awareness. It allows us to reflect and plan—but often gets overridden when our survival system kicks in.

Polyvagal Theory: The Science of Feeling Safe

Enter Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges. This theory builds on our understanding of the autonomic nervous system, particularly the vagus nerve, which is like a superhighway running from our brain to major organs.

Instead of a simple "on/off" switch for relaxation and stress, Polyvagal Theory suggests we have a hierarchy of response states, based on how safe or threatened we feel:

1. Ventral Vagal State (Social Engagement)
   When we feel safe, our body supports calm, connection, and communication. We can think clearly, make eye contact, and regulate our emotions.

2. Sympathetic State (Fight or Flight)
   When danger is detected, we shift into a mobilized state—our heart races, muscles tense, and we prepare to fight or flee. This is often what people associate with anxiety, anger, or panic.

3. Dorsal Vagal State (Freeze/Shutdown)
   If fight or flight feels impossible or unsafe, our body may default to freeze. This is a protective shutdown: we might feel numb, disconnected, or paralyzed. It’s the body’s way of playing dead to survive.

How the Triune Brain and Polyvagal Theory Work Together

Polyvagal Theory helps us map these stress responses onto the triune brain:

• Freeze (Dorsal Vagal) – rooted in the reptilian brain. When overwhelmed, we might collapse or dissociate, driven by primal survival wiring.

• Fight or Flight (Sympathetic) – activated through the limbic system, which rapidly scans for threats and mobilizes us to respond.

• Social Engagement (Ventral Vagal) – regulated by the neocortex and brainstem integration. This is our most evolved state, allowing empathy, curiosity, and connection.

Why This Matters

Understanding this system helps us recognize our reactions without shame or judgment. These responses aren’t flaws—they’re adaptations. But by becoming aware of them, we can also learn to regulate our nervous system and move toward safety and connection.

Therapies like somatic experiencing, mindfulness, and trauma-informed practices often use this knowledge to help people heal from trauma and reconnect with their bodies.

In Summary

• The triune brain gives us a framework for understanding how our brain evolved.

• Polyvagal Theory explains the body's response to threat based on the vagus nerve.

• Together, they show why we fight, flee, or freeze, and how we can return to connection and calm.

When we understand that our nervous system is just trying to keep us safe, we can begin to respond to ourselves—and others—with greater compassion and care.

Understanding the Window of Tolerance—and How to Expand It

 Have you ever noticed how some days, you’re calm and clear-headed even under pressure—while on others, even small stressors feel overwhelming? That difference has a lot to do with your window of tolerance.

What Is the Window of Tolerance?

The term window of tolerance was coined by Dr. Dan Siegel to describe the optimal zone of arousal where a person can function effectively. Within this “window,” we can think clearly, manage emotions, and respond flexibly to stress.

When we’re inside the window, we feel grounded, present, and resilient.

When we move outside the window, we typically go in one of two directions:

• Hyperarousal (fight or flight): You may feel anxious, panicked, angry, or out of control.

• Hypoarousal (freeze): You may feel numb, disconnected, depressed, or shut down.

Everyone’s window of tolerance is different—and it can expand or shrink depending on life experiences, trauma, mental health, and nervous system regulation.

Why Does It Matter?

A narrow window of tolerance can make daily life exhausting. You might find yourself constantly anxious, reactive, or dissociated. With a wider window, you can handle more stress and still stay emotionally regulated and connected.

How to Expand Your Window of Tolerance

The good news? It’s possible to widen your window over time. Here are evidence-based strategies to help:

1. Build Body Awareness

Learning to recognize the signs of dysregulation early is key. Ask yourself:

• Is my breath shallow or fast?

• Are my muscles tense?

• Do I feel disconnected from my body?

Practices like body scans, yoga, and somatic experiencing help increase this awareness.

2. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness teaches you to stay present and observe sensations without judgment. Over time, this strengthens your ability to tolerate discomfort without shutting down or reacting impulsively.

Try:

• Meditation (even 5 minutes daily)

• Mindful walking or eating

• Breath-focused awareness

3. Use Grounding Techniques

When you feel outside your window, grounding helps bring you back. These techniques reconnect you with the present:

• 5-4-3-2-1 technique (noticing 5 things you see, 4 you feel, etc.)

• Holding something cold

• Focusing on your feet on the ground

4. Engage in Co-Regulation

Sometimes we need others to help regulate. Being with someone calm, compassionate, and attuned can bring us back into our window.

• Talking to a therapist or trusted friend

• Physical touch (if safe and wanted)

• Calm, regulated environments

5. Therapeutic Support

Therapies like EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and sensorimotor psychotherapy can help process trauma and rewire the nervous system. These modalities target the root causes of a narrowed window and help create more emotional capacity.

6. Nervous System Regulation Habits

Incorporating daily habits to support your nervous system builds long-term resilience:

• Regular sleep

• Balanced nutrition

• Gentle movement or exercise

• Breathwork (e.g., box breathing or vagus nerve stimulation)

The Takeaway

Your window of tolerance is not fixed. With awareness, support, and intentional practice, you can expand your capacity to handle life’s stressors without being overwhelmed or shutting down. It's not about never getting triggered—it's about coming back to your center more easily.

Growth happens when we learn to meet discomfort with presence and compassion.

30 Ways to improve your well-being

Whether you are receiving therapy or not there are many things you can do yourself to boost your overall wellbeing. It can be difficult if you are feeling low to find the motivation to try new things. Some of these seam too simple to be effective but this list provides powerful ways to heal and feel better about life.

1)     Walk in nature. Walking in nature is a great way to feel better. It is a powerful combination of the endorphins you can get from exercise, the benefit you get from having fresh air in your lungs and simply being around green living things. Bring nature into your home by having indoor plants to take care off.

2)     Try to get quality sleep. Sometimes its easier said than done when you are lying awake staring at the celling with stress related insomnia but there are things you can do that can help. Try to keep to a regular sleep schedule. Open a widow to cool the room down. Do not have a TV in the bedroom, avoid reading your phone and do not drink caffeine later in the day. Try repeatedly counting to 10 in your head.

3)     Exercise regularly. Find a type and level of exercise that suits you. Whether that be running, cycling, swimming, or walking. Try a martial art such as Kung fu or Karate or take up Tai chi. Breathing and stretching exercises such as Yoga and Chi gung can be greatly beneficial. Finding something you enjoy will make it less like a chore and something you are more likely to stick at.

4)     Build healthy relationships and distance yourself from toxic ones. Learn to identify those people in our life that do not respect our boundaries. Gravitate towards people who show you unconditional positive regard and are not around you because of what they want from you. Learn to enforce your own healthy boundaries and teach yourself to say no.

5)     Risk asking for help. Many of us struggle to ask for help. We may feel undeserving. But it can make others feel good when they are able to be supportive. If we have had bad experiences taking a risk to trust again gives us the opportunity to have new experiences and overwrite the past.

6)     Find a creative outlet. Getting lost in something we love doing and are passionate about can put us in a flow state and can be an antidote to worries about the past or the future.

7)     Keep learning. Our brains are plastic right through our life time. Although it does get harder to learn as we get older, we can still do it. Its never too late to learn a language, a musical instrument, or a new skill.

8)     Set small achievable goals. Taking on too much and failing can reenforce a feeling of failure. Setting small achievable goals can train your mind to get used to feeling successful.

9)     Put together a self-care routine.  Create a go to list of things that can make you feel better when you are feeling low. Try hot bath with epsom salts and candles, listen to some calming music, go for a massage or put fresh clean sheets on the bed.

10) Try mediation. Mediation can be extremely powerful. Start of slowly and do as much as you feel able to do without resentment until you feel the benefits. Its better to mediate frequently at a regular time. It can tough to focus in the beginning. Try to be kind to yourself when you notice your mind wandering. Try Anapana, Bodyscan and Meta Bhavana meditations.

11)  Practice Mindfulness. Be in the present moment and give our full attention to what ever we are doing. This can be things like driving, eating, or doing the washing up. It trains our minds away from the default mode of cycling internally between thoughts of the past and future and enables us to live in the now.

12)  Spend time around animals. Take a dog for a walk, ride a horse, or stroke a cat. When out in nature take the time to observer the birds and other wildlife.

13)  Reduce or eliminate use of alcohol or non-prescribed drugs. Alcohol and drugs can make us feel better in the short term by giving us an escape or being something consistent in our lives. However, ultimately it is facing and overcoming our fears that helps us heal and anything which helps us avoid doing so is counterproductive.

14)  Quit smoking. Smoke is toxic and poisonous to the body. Smoking is a socially acceptable form of self-harm

15)  Be of service to others. Volunteer at a charity shop, homeless hostel, or food bank. Try doing small acts of kindness for strangers. Try giving an unexpected compliment or letting a driver out in front of you. Try giving someone a small gift.

16)  Stay hydrated. Drink plenty of water through out the day. Avoid too much caffeine and sugar.

17)  Avoid too much processed food. Foods high in salt, fat, sugar, and additives can have a big impact on our mood. Try to avoid spiking your blood sugar by eating too many simple carbohydrates. Try eating a healthy diet of fresh fruit and vegetables with a source of high-quality protein. Undiagnosed food intolerances can be the cause of anxiety and depression.

18)  Get enough sunlight. Getting sun on the skin produces vitamin D which is great for a mood and our bones.

19)  Watch comedy. laughter is very good for you and a great stress reliever. Try Joining an improv group.

20)  Try keeping a journal. Journalling is a great way to process our thoughts and feelings.

21)  Try reading self help books. These can be a bit hit and miss. Its about finding a book the speaks to you.

22)  Self-affirmation. Keep a list of the biggest achievements of your life and read it to your self each morning. You can also ask your friends to tell you something they like about you and you can make a list of these also.

23)  Declutter your home. Often our living space starts to resemble our minds. If out minds a cluttered by distracting thoughts, often our home will start to reflect this. By cleaning, tidying, and decluttering our living space it can have a knock-on effect by giving us a more peaceful mind.

24)  Learn to be grateful. What ever we are experiencing in life there are people who have it worse.  Learn to be grateful for what we do have. Also try to become aware of the privilege we hold.  

25)  Learn self-compassion.  None of us are perfect. To be human is to be fallible. If you make a mistake, try not to berate yourself. Make amends if that is something you need to do, but ultimately learn to forgive yourself.

26)  Practice forgiveness. This does not mean that allow someone to treat us poorly, but it can free us of the anger and resentment we may feel towards them.

27)  Tell someone you love them. We may have a history with someone and it might be hard to access our feelings. However, life is short and we never know how much time we have.

28)  Let go of painful secrets.  The secrets we hold can often be a source of toxic shame. We may feel like crawling into a hole to die. But shame hates the truth and the truth shines a light into that darkness. Find someone you trust and risk telling them your truth.

29)  Learn to feel. We may have survived our histories by teaching ourselves not to feel. That may have been a successful survival strategy when we needed it but it can become a hinderance in adult life. When you notice an emotion rising try and stay with it.

30)  Be yourself. Depending on our histories we may not have been able to be ourselves. We might not even know who we are. Take the time to find out who you are and what you want out of life. Find yourself, accept yourself and thrives as yourself.

How does psychotherapy work?

In short there is a wealth of evidence that therapy works, but no concrete understanding of its precise mechanisms. At last count there were approximately 480 schools or modalities. The ‘Dodo bird effect’ states that although there is evidence of benefit, there is no proof that one modality is more beneficial than another.  Research published suggesting that one modality is superior to another has been shown to be suffering from researcher bias.

Current thinking suggests that it is the empathically attuned human relationship that heals. Conversely deficits in early relationships cause psychological trauma. In early years when our needs are not met, we are programmed with the expectation that this will continue to be the case. We then push these needs out of awareness and create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Winnicott said that a child growing up with “inadequate relationships, with insufficient contact, cannot develop an adequate sense of self” 

Children who do not have their emotional needs met will split off from feelings they cannot tolerate. Primitive attempts to self-stabilize and self-regulate result in the attachment patterns that stay with us for life.

The acknowledgement and validation of emotional needs can be healing. Therapists can use their own experiences to understand the client's pain on a deeply personal level and communicate that knowing back though tone of voice, facial expression, and body language.

It is thought that several common factors are involved in the healing process. These have been described as hope, corrective emotional experiences, a treatment rational, positive expectations, catharsis, therapist warmth, learning, changes in expectation, a healing ritual, and the therapeutic relationship. 

Beissers paradoxical theory of change suggests that if you try and change someone they will automatically push back and that the best way to encourage growth is to fully accept who they are.

Once trust between the client and the therapist has been established, subconscious right-brain to right-brain communication is established allowing previous negative relational experiences to be overwritten. The new relationship promotes neuroplasticity and the growing new neural connections in a part of the brain called the orbitofrontal cortex. This area of the brain is responsible for defining our personality and its development allows us better socially relate and emotionally regulate.

If strong links between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala are not formed early on, they may get pruned away leaving a connection too weak to inhibit a fear response leading to anxiety in later life. Almost all psychiatric problems result from right brain under development and emotional dysregulation. 

Integration in psychotherapy can mean the integration of both the theory and the client. It is the integration of knowledge to bring about both integration of the self and the brain. Psychological integration will result in neurological integration. 

Though it is an over simplification we can think about the integration of the emotional, creative, imaginative, globally aware right brain with the locally focused, logical, verbal, analytical left brain. Therapeutically the act of putting feelings into words and creating an emotional narrative of our lives can improve the integration between left and right hemispheres. 

We can also consider the triune brain and the structural integration of the brain stem limbic system and human neocortex.  We need a bottom-up approach in psychotherapy that integrates somatic sensations and emotions which underlie our thoughts and behaviours. 

The therapist works with implicit procedural memory and allows the client to reflect and express experience verbally in a safer, more tolerant and accepting relationship. 

How to find a therapist

One of the uncomfortable ironies of life is that the more we might need a therapist the less able we are to jump through the hoops it may take to find one. If we are in a crisis, we might be stuck in a fight flight response with our prefrontal cortex offline and unable to make choices.

There are many ways one could go about finding a suitable counsellor or Psychotherapist. If we are in a bad place, we may ask a friend or relative if they have someone they have had a good experience with. This strategy can work, but just because one person gets on with a particular therapist does not necessarily mean that you will.

Another choice is to search the various directories out there such as:

• https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/

• https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

• https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

• https://www.spti.net/quality

These directories allow you to search by location and modality or presenting issue. You can often filter by whether you require short- or long-term work and whether you prefer to work online or in person.

It can be useful to consider your budget and how willing you are prepared to travel. Is the race or gender of the therapist important to you? You might look at how much experience a particular therapist has, what level they are qualified to and whether that are part of a professional body.

Having a therapist belong to a professional body is useful in that they will have signed up to follow a particular code of ethics and it gives you someone to complain to if you have a grievance.

Often, we will want to see a photo of the therapist to try and get a sense of whether we feel this is someone we can trust. Perhaps the therapist has a website, blog, or YouTube channel we can use to get a sense of them.

How important is the type of therapy they deliver? There are many different types of therapy including Person centred, Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioural therapy, Gestalt, Transactional Analysis and Integrative.  Before knowing what sort of therapy works for you, you may need to give it a go and find out.

If you do try a style of therapy and it does not work for you take some time to reflect on what did not work. The knowledge you gain of knowing what does not work for you can be invaluable second time around.

It might be useful to consider what it is about yourself that you need help with and find a therapist that specialises in that area. Are you having a problem with thoughts, feelings, sensations, or behaviour?  Different modalities may focus more heavily on one area over another.

It might be that you have something specific you want to work on such as anxiety around public speaking or exam stress or it might be that something is not quite right and you want help finding out what that might be.

Whatever the issue it is likely that there will be someone out there with experience in that area. The important thing is to find a place where you feel safe and a person you feel you can trust. Once you have found some one you can try them out.  

Once you have an established relationship its worth giving it a fair go before leaving or moving on to something else. Therapy can often be a bit of a bumpy ride. Sometimes when things get a bit uncomfortable it could be a sign that things are working.