Ego Death - what does it feel like?

Reality is subjective. When we have an experience outside of the frame of what we believe is possible we can choose to deny it. However, if we choose to accept it then our sphere of what is possible grows to incorporate it.

In this way two people may hold vastly different experiences of reality. Sharing experiences to those who are unable to accept them may trigger fear and result in anger as a threatened ego tries to defend itself.

We may experience reality from the perspective of being a thing, an object that exists in relation to other objects. Default reality is one of subject-object duality. Being an object, we may experience ourselves as travelling along a timeline from past to future. However, if that object were to dissolve temporarily or permanently, we would still have the experience of being an ‘I’ but not the experiences of being in time, or indeed in space. As we acclimatise to the transition between thingness and no-thingness we may experience ourselves as objectless space but will ultimately settle into being non located. Not located in time and space, but being timeless infinity.

The transition from object to process may be gentle or utterly terrifying. Ego death is not some “death-lite” experience. Even though it is a psychological rather than a bodily death it is experienced subjectively as dying. When you have a dream of hanging off a cliff by your fingernails its all too easy to let go if you know you are dreaming, but would you let go if you were not? Would you hang on until your arms were shaking and your finger tips bled, until every last drop of energy had been expended from your body?

Imagine for a moment having the realisation “I am going to die!” Your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems both firing at the same time. You feel the build-up of energy. You need to run, yet experience being frozen at the same time. One foot pressing the accelerator to the floor the other foot firmly on the break. In this car metaphor the vehicle in question would begin to shake violently and this is indeed what happens.

Fear builds into terror and panic. “I’m going to die, I’m going to die, I’m going to die, shit, shit, shit”

But even though you know you are going to die, there is an awareness that that its ok. There is something safe and loving that remains untouched by this terror.

Tension from stalled fight/flight responses stored the muscles is freed from the body as violent tremors. Emotions long ago repressed come bursting to the surface as a geyser of laughing and crying.

The lungs start expanding like they filling full off energy and might explode. Sensations of cold liquid metal dripping down inside. Cold sweats.

“Shit, shit, shit, …fuck, fuck, fuck,… shit-fuck, shit-fuck, …I’m dying”

Reality starts to distort. Three dimensions split up into separate two-dimensional layers. Faces become skeletal or look like Picasso paintings.

“Shit-fuck, shit fuck”, laughing-crying, shaking, I’m going explode….

…then woosh.

Like turning to ash and feeling all other objects dissolve simultaneously. Reality races out in all directions. I am the Universe.  

No longer are decisions made. Everything happens spontaneously. There is no seer and seen only seeing happening. Subject-object duality has collapsed into unity.

For a time, there is elation, perhaps due to a sudden freedom from the fear of death. For if there are no things, then there is nothing that can die.

Years pass, this new version of reality beds in and becomes normal.

All that is left is to work out is whether to continue using language in the same way and feel dishonest, or to change language to reflect the new subjective experience of reality and risk a backlash of fear and anger from those around you who sincerely believe that you are crazy.