Understanding the Drama Triangle — And How to Step Out of It
Relationships can bring us joy, connection, and growth. But sometimes they also leave us feeling stuck, frustrated, or caught in repeating patterns of conflict. If you’ve ever found yourself in the same arguments, feeling helpless, resentful, or overly responsible for others, you may have been caught in what psychologist Stephen Karpman (1968) called the Drama Triangle.
The good news is: you don’t have to stay there. Here’s what the Drama Triangle is, how it shows up in relationships, and how you can step out of it into what’s called the Winner’s Triangle.
What is the Drama Triangle?
The Drama Triangle describes three roles people often take (and move between) during conflicts or stressful situations:
Victim – feels powerless, overwhelmed, and stuck.
Persecutor – criticizes, blames, or controls others.
Rescuer – jumps in to fix problems for others, often without being asked.
These roles are not about what’s actually happening, but about the emotional stance we take when we’re stuck in dysfunctional patterns.
The Three Roles
Victim
In this role, you feel unable to cope or change your situation. Thoughts might sound like:
“Why does this always happen to me?”
“I can’t handle this.”
“Someone needs to help me.”
This role gives away power and often looks to a Rescuer or feels attacked by a Persecutor.
Rescuer
Here you feel overly responsible for others and try to fix their problems — sometimes at the expense of your own needs. You might think:
“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.”
“You need me to solve this for you.”
This can seem helpful, but it keeps the other person stuck in the Victim role and creates imbalance.
Persecutor
This role involves blaming, criticizing, or controlling others, sometimes with anger or superiority. It may sound like:
“This is all your fault.”
“Why can’t you just do it right?”
This keeps others feeling powerless and maintains conflict.
Moving Around the Triangle
We don’t usually stay in just one role. People often shift between roles — sometimes very quickly.
A Rescuer may become resentful and turn into a Persecutor.
A Victim might lash out and become a Persecutor.
A Persecutor might feel guilty and slide into Rescuer mode.
These shifts keep everyone stuck and prevent healthy, authentic connection.
How to Step Out: The Winner’s Triangle
In 1990, Acey Choy proposed a healthier alternative called the Winner’s Triangle, where each role is transformed into a more empowered and compassionate stance:
Victim → Vulnerable & Responsible
Instead of feeling powerless, acknowledge your feelings and take responsibility for what you can control. You might ask:
“What can I do to help myself?”
“Who can I ask for support in a healthy way?”
Rescuer → Caring & Supportive
Instead of taking over, you can offer support while respecting the other person’s ability to solve their own problems. You might say:
“I’m here if you need me.”
“What do you think would help?”
Persecutor → Assertive & Clear
Instead of blaming or attacking, express your needs and boundaries calmly and directly.
“This doesn’t work for me — here’s what I need.”
“Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.”
Why This Matters
Stepping out of the Drama Triangle and into the Winner’s Triangle helps you:
Build healthier, more balanced relationships
Respect both your own needs and the needs of others
Break cycles of conflict, guilt, and resentment
Feel more empowered and authentic
Tips for Practicing
Notice which role you tend to fall into in certain relationships.
Pause before reacting and ask yourself what you’re feeling and what you need.
Practice responding from the Winner’s Triangle: vulnerability, care, and assertiveness.
Remember that change takes time — be patient and kind to yourself as you learn.
By becoming aware of the Drama Triangle and choosing new ways to relate, you can create relationships based on mutual respect, honesty, and empowerment — for yourself and for others.
You don’t have to stay stuck in the same old patterns. Step out of the triangle, and into something healthier.
