Understanding Shame: What It Is, Why We Feel It, and How to Heal
Shame is one of the most powerful and painful human emotions. It can be overwhelming, isolating, and deeply rooted. For many people, shame lingers silently in the background of their lives — shaping relationships, self-worth, and even mental health. But what exactly is shame? Why do we feel it? And how is it different from guilt?
In this post, we’ll explore the nature of shame, how it differs from guilt, and what we can do to begin moving toward healing.
What Is Shame?
Shame is the feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong with who we are. It’s not just a sense that we’ve done something bad — it’s the belief that we are bad.
Shame often shows up as:
A desire to hide or withdraw
Harsh self-judgment or inner criticism
A sense of being unworthy, broken, or unlovable
Avoidance of vulnerability or closeness
Fear of being exposed, rejected, or humiliated
It can be triggered by specific experiences — like rejection, criticism, or trauma — or it can develop over time, especially if we grew up in environments where we were criticised, neglected, or made to feel "not good enough."
Why Do We Feel Shame?
Shame is a deeply social emotion. It’s rooted in our evolutionary need to belong. In early human societies, being part of a group was essential for survival. Shame helped regulate behaviour and prevent us from being cast out or rejected.
But in modern life, shame can become toxic. It’s often tied to unrealistic expectations, societal pressures, or messages we received as children. We might feel shame for expressing emotions, making mistakes, or simply being ourselves.
For example:
A child who was repeatedly criticised may grow into an adult who feels shame whenever they speak up.
Someone who experienced abuse may carry shame about what happened, despite it not being their fault.
People in marginalised groups may feel shame simply for existing in a society that devalues them.
Over time, this kind of shame can become internalised and automatic, affecting everything from self-esteem to relationships to mental health.
Shame vs. Guilt: What’s the Difference?
Although shame and guilt are often confused, they are not the same:
Guilt says: I did something wrong.
Shame says: There’s something wrong with me.
Guilt can be a helpful emotion — it signals when our actions have hurt someone or violated our values. It motivates us to make amends and grow.
Shame, on the other hand, is often paralysing. It doesn’t lead to repair — it leads to hiding, self-hatred, or emotional withdrawal. Unlike guilt, which focuses on behaviour, shame targets the self.
It’s also possible to feel both at once. For example, someone might feel guilty for lying to a friend, and ashamed because they believe it confirms they are a “bad person.”
What Can We Do About Shame?
Healing from shame isn’t about “getting rid of it” — it’s about learning to recognise it, understand it, and respond to it with compassion. Here are a few steps that can help:
1. Name It
The first step is recognising when you’re feeling shame. Notice the signs — the inner critic, the urge to withdraw, the feeling of worthlessness. Simply saying to yourself, “This is shame,” can start to break its grip.
2. Talk About It
Shame thrives in silence. When we speak it aloud — especially to someone safe and non-judgmental — it begins to lose power. Therapy can be a supportive place to explore shame and its roots.
3. Challenge the Inner Critic
Shame often shows up as a harsh inner voice. Ask yourself: Whose voice is this? Would I speak to someone I love this way? Learning to talk to yourself with kindness is key.
4. Connect with Others
Shame isolates. Connection heals. When we share our struggles with people who respond with empathy, we begin to rewrite the belief that we are alone, broken, or unlovable.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Instead of trying to “fix” yourself, try offering understanding. Self-compassion means recognising that being imperfect, struggling, and feeling pain are all part of being human.
Final Thoughts
Shame is a deeply human emotion — but it doesn’t have to control your life. By understanding what shame is, where it comes from, and how to meet it with compassion, it’s possible to shift from a place of self-judgment to one of healing and self-acceptance.
You are not your shame. You are not broken. And you are not alone.
If shame is something you struggle with, therapy can help you explore its roots, understand your emotional responses, and begin to build a more compassionate relationship with yourself.
