5 Drivers: Understanding and Releasing Unhelpful Inner Messages
Have you ever noticed a little voice inside urging you to “be perfect” or “hurry up”—even when it leaves you stressed, exhausted, or never quite good enough? These voices are what psychologist Taibi Kahler (1975) called the “Five Drivers.” They are powerful unconscious messages we absorb in childhood to gain love, approval, or safety, and while they once helped us cope, they often keep us stuck in self-defeating patterns as adults.
The Five Drivers
Each driver has its own way of shaping how we think, feel, and behave:
Please Others
Core message: “I am only okay if others like me.”
How it shows up: Over-focusing on others’ needs, difficulty saying no, fear of rejection.
Cost: You may lose touch with your own needs and struggle with resentment or burnout.
Be Strong
Core message: “I mustn’t show weakness.”
How it shows up: Hiding feelings, pushing through difficulties alone, not asking for help.
Cost: Emotional disconnection, loneliness, or health problems from bottled-up stress.
Hurry Up
Core message: “You must do everything quickly.”
How it shows up: Talking fast, rushing tasks, feeling restless if things move slowly.
Cost: Anxiety, mistakes, and difficulty being present in the moment.
Try Hard
Core message: “It only counts if I struggle.”
How it shows up: Putting in effort without achieving results, difficulty finishing things, overworking.
Cost: Wasted energy, frustration, and never feeling satisfied.
Be Perfect
Core message: “Mistakes are not allowed.”
How it shows up: Setting impossibly high standards, fear of failure, procrastination.
Cost: Paralysis, exhaustion, and a harsh inner critic.
How and Why They Form
Drivers usually develop in childhood when we unconsciously pick up on the conditions of worth offered by caregivers, teachers, or authority figures.
A child praised for being polite may learn to “Please Others.”
A child told to stop crying may learn to “Be Strong.”
A child constantly hurried along may develop “Hurry Up.”
A child praised for effort but not results may adopt “Try Hard.”
A child rewarded for flawless work may internalize “Be Perfect.”
In those moments, the driver becomes a survival strategy: “If I live this way, I’ll be safe, loved, or accepted.” But what kept us safe as children often becomes restrictive and stressful in adulthood.
How to Overcome the Drivers
The goal is not to erase these patterns completely—they once served you—but to loosen their grip and reclaim freedom.
Notice the driver in action
Begin by observing when your driver shows up. Do you hear yourself apologizing constantly (Please Others) or racing through tasks (Hurry Up)? Awareness is the first step.Challenge the inner message
Replace the harsh driver voice with a healthier permission message. For example:Instead of “I must please others,” try “My needs matter too.”
Instead of “Be perfect,” try “Good enough is enough.”
Practice opposite behaviours
Say no kindly when you want to.
Share vulnerability instead of always “being strong.”
Slow down deliberately.
Focus on completing rather than endlessly “trying hard.”
Allow small mistakes without punishment.
Reframe the strengths
Each driver has a positive side:Please Others → empathy and kindness.
Be Strong → resilience.
Hurry Up → efficiency.
Try Hard → perseverance.
Be Perfect → attention to detail.
By balancing the driver with self-compassion, you can keep the strength without the stress.
Stepping Into Freedom
The five drivers remind us of how our earliest coping strategies can turn into lifelong patterns. But by becoming aware of them, challenging their messages, and practicing new choices, we can step into a more balanced, authentic way of being.
When you begin to replace “I must” with “I choose,” you move from survival into freedom.
Which of the five drivers feels most familiar to you? Gently noticing it in your daily life could be the first step toward loosening its hold.
