Learning to Receive: Why Intimacy Feels Unsafe for Some
For many people, intimacy — emotional closeness, affection, and the simple act of being seen — feels comforting and natural. But for others, these same experiences can feel threatening, even unbearable. If you find yourself pulling away when someone gets too close, deflecting compliments, or feeling uncomfortable when others care for you, you’re not alone.
Let’s explore why intimacy can feel unsafe, and how you can begin to open to it — at your own pace.
Why Does Intimacy Feel So Hard?
At its heart, intimacy is about allowing yourself to be known — flaws, needs, and all. For those with histories of relational trauma, neglect, or chronic criticism, being known may have felt dangerous at one time.
Here are some common reasons why intimacy feels unsafe:
Past betrayal or hurt — If trust was broken repeatedly in childhood or early relationships, you may unconsciously expect closeness to lead to pain or abandonment.
Shame and self-protection — When you believe you are “too much” or “not enough,” letting someone see your true self can feel risky. Avoiding intimacy can feel like avoiding rejection.
Loss of control — Receiving love, care, or even attention puts you in a vulnerable position where you are not in control of what others do or feel. This lack of control can trigger fear.
Hyper-independence — Some people cope with early trauma by learning to rely only on themselves. Accepting care from others may feel like weakness, or like giving up the safety of self-sufficiency.
What Does “Receiving” Really Mean?
Receiving intimacy isn’t just about accepting big declarations of love or dramatic gestures. It’s also about small moments — someone holding the door for you, offering a compliment, or sitting with you in silence. It’s allowing yourself to take in the kindness, connection, and care that is offered without deflecting, minimizing, or pushing it away.
How to Begin Opening to Intimacy
If receiving feels foreign or unsafe to you, know that this is not something you “fix” overnight. It’s a practice — a gentle and gradual re-learning.
Here are some steps you can take:
Notice when you deflect — Pay attention to how you respond to compliments, help, or affection. Do you downplay it? Change the subject? Push it away?
Allow little moments — Let yourself linger in small experiences of connection — even just a warm smile from a stranger — and notice how it feels in your body.
Explore the fear — Journaling or talking with a therapist about what you fear will happen if you let others get close can help you understand your reactions.
Communicate — Let trusted people know that intimacy is hard for you. This can reduce the pressure and help them support you in ways that feel safe.
Practice self-compassion — Be kind to yourself when you struggle. Your nervous system is doing its best to keep you safe, even if its methods are outdated.
You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
Learning to receive — love, care, kindness — is a profound act of healing. If intimacy has felt unsafe for you, that’s not because you are broken or unworthy, but because you learned to survive in a way that made sense at the time.
You can move at your own pace. You can learn to trust — both yourself and others. And you deserve to feel the warmth of real connection.
If this resonates with you, consider working with a therapist who can help you explore and gently expand your capacity for intimacy and connection. You don’t have to figure it all out alone — and that’s exactly the point.
