Denial, Disavowal, and Desensitization: Three Ways We Distance Ourselves from Pain
When life becomes overwhelming, our minds and bodies have ways of protecting us. Sometimes these protections are so subtle and automatic that we don’t even realize they’re happening. Denial, disavowal, and desensitization are three such defenses. While they can help us survive difficult times, they may also block us from healing when they linger too long.
Let’s explore what they mean, how they show up, and how we can work with them compassionately.
Denial: “This Isn’t Happening”
Denial is perhaps the most well-known defense. It happens when we refuse—consciously or unconsciously—to accept reality because it feels too painful or threatening.
Examples: A person insists a relationship is fine even when it’s falling apart. Someone with symptoms avoids going to the doctor, saying, “It’s nothing.”
Why it helps: Denial gives us breathing space. It protects us from shock, grief, or fear until we’re ready to face it.
The risk: If we stay in denial too long, we can’t address real problems, and they may grow bigger.
Disavowal: “That’s True, But Not for Me”
Disavowal is a close cousin of denial. Instead of completely rejecting reality, we acknowledge it—but distance ourselves from its meaning or impact.
Examples: Saying, “Yes, people get hurt in car accidents, but it won’t happen to me.” Or “I know I was treated badly, but it didn’t affect me.”
Why it helps: Disavowal allows us to function without being weighed down by anxiety or vulnerability. It creates a sense of control.
The risk: By pushing away the personal impact, we may minimize our own pain or needs, leaving parts of us unheard.
Desensitization: “I Don’t Feel It Anymore”
Desensitization happens when repeated exposure to stress, trauma, or even everyday pressures dulls our sensitivity. What once felt sharp and painful starts to feel muted or normal.
Examples: Becoming so used to criticism that you barely notice it anymore. Or not realizing how stressed you are because constant tension feels like your “normal.”
Why it helps: Desensitization numbs the edges of pain, making it easier to carry on.
The risk: When we can’t feel the weight of what’s happening, we might tolerate unhealthy situations or ignore warning signs in our bodies and relationships.
How These Defenses Serve Us—and When They Don’t
It’s important to remember: these defenses aren’t flaws. They’re brilliant survival strategies created by the mind and body to help us cope. The problem isn’t that they exist—it’s when they become our default way of being, cutting us off from truth, feeling, and connection.
Denial keeps us from seeing.
Disavowal keeps us from owning.
Desensitization keeps us from feeling.
Healing means gently inviting ourselves back to seeing, owning, and feeling—at a pace that feels safe.
Pathways Toward Healing
If you notice yourself leaning on denial, disavowal, or desensitization, here are some compassionate steps:
Notice with curiosity, not judgment. Ask yourself: Am I avoiding? Am I distancing? Am I numb? Awareness itself is healing.
Name what you can. Even saying, “I think I might be in denial about this,” is a way of cracking the door open.
Start small. If reality feels too big to face, work with a piece of it.
Reconnect with sensation. For desensitization, simple grounding practices (feeling your feet on the floor, holding something warm or cold) can begin to wake up the body.
Seek support. A therapist can help you hold what feels too much to hold alone.
A Compassionate Perspective
Denial, disavowal, and desensitization aren’t signs of weakness—they’re signs of strength. They show that your mind and body have been doing everything they can to keep you safe. Healing doesn’t mean ripping them away. It means slowly, safely learning that you no longer need them in the same way.
What once protected you can now be thanked, and gently set aside, as you step into greater truth, presence, and connection.
