Boundaries: Why They’re Hard (and How to Build Them)

For many people, especially those with histories of trauma, codependency, or people-pleasing, the idea of setting boundaries can feel almost impossible. You may intellectually understand that boundaries are healthy, but the moment you try to assert a limit, the guilt, fear, or shame kicks in. You worry you’re being “selfish,” “too much,” or that you’ll be rejected or abandoned.

But boundaries are not about shutting people out—they're about creating the conditions for real connection.

Why Boundaries Can Feel So Hard

1. Early Conditioning
   If you grew up in an environment where your needs weren’t met—or where expressing them led to punishment or withdrawal—you may have learned that it’s safer to suppress yourself than to assert yourself. You may have been praised for being “easygoing” or “good,” and punished (even subtly) for saying no.

2. Nervous System Responses
   When you try to set a boundary and your heart races, your throat closes, or your body freezes—that’s your nervous system doing its job. If your system associates boundaries with danger or loss, it will respond with a fight, flight, fawn, or freeze reaction. This isn’t weakness; it’s survival learning.

3. People-Pleasing as a Survival Strategy
   People-pleasing often develops as a way to stay connected in unsafe environments. As children, we rely on adults for survival, so we learn to shape ourselves around their moods and needs. As adults, we may keep doing this—at the expense of our authenticity and wellbeing.

4. Lack of Models
   If you’ve never seen boundaries modelled in a healthy way, how would you know how to do it? We’re not born knowing how to say, “I care about you, but I need space.” This is a learned skill—and like any skill, it takes practice.

What Are Boundaries, Really?

Boundaries are not walls; they’re filters.
They define where you end and another begins—not to disconnect, but to create clarity, safety, and freedom. They say: “This is okay with me. This isn’t.” They are the foundation of healthy relationships—with others and with yourself.

Types of Boundaries

• Physical – Personal space, touch, and bodily autonomy

• Emotional – Your right to feel your feelings and not take on others’ emotions

• Mental – Your right to your thoughts, opinions, and beliefs

• Time/Energy – How you choose to spend your time and what you say yes or no to

• Relational – The kind of dynamics and behaviours you’re willing to engage with

How to Start Building Boundaries

1. Start with Self-Awareness
   Notice when you feel resentful, exhausted, or anxious—these are often signs a boundary has been crossed or neglected.

2. Tune into the Body
   Your body often knows before your mind. If you feel tightness in your chest, a lump in your throat, or a pit in your stomach during an interaction, pause and get curious. What is your system trying to tell you?

3. Use Simple Language
   Boundaries don’t have to be dramatic. “I’m not available for that right now.” “I need some space.” “That doesn’t work for me.” These are clear, kind, and firm.

4. Expect Discomfort
   You might feel guilt, fear, or grief. That’s normal. You’re not doing it wrong—you’re doing something new. Remind yourself: It’s okay to disappoint others in order to be true to myself.

5. Practice with Safe People
   Try boundary-setting in relationships where you feel relatively safe. Therapy can also be a powerful space to explore and rehearse this work.

6. Repair When Needed, But Don’t Over-Explain
   You don’t need to justify your boundaries. If rupture occurs, repair is possible—but you are not obligated to over-function or abandon your needs to keep the peace.

Boundaries Are an Act of Love

Boundaries aren’t a rejection of others—they’re a commitment to self-respect and relational health. They allow you to show up more fully, honestly, and sustainably. For people recovering from trauma, people-pleasing, or codependency, boundaries are not just practical—they’re a deep part of the healing journey.

They say: “I matter too.”