Anxious vs Avoidant Attachment: Patterns in Adult Love
Have you ever felt like you care too much in relationships—or like you can’t quite let someone get too close? These patterns may be rooted not in who you are today, but in how you learned to relate early in life.
Understanding attachment styles, particularly anxious and avoidant, can bring clarity to confusing relationship dynamics. It can also help us move toward healthier, more secure connections.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory suggests that the way we bonded with our caregivers in childhood shapes how we connect with others as adults—especially in close, romantic relationships.
Two common insecure styles are:
Anxious attachment
Avoidant attachment
They may look like opposites, but they often mirror and reinforce each other in relationships.
Anxious Attachment: “Do You Really Love Me?”
People with anxious attachment crave closeness and fear abandonment. Their emotional world is intense, and their inner dialogue often sounds like:
“Why didn’t they text back yet?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“I need to fix this right now.”
Behaviours may include:
Over-analyzing messages or interactions
Seeking constant reassurance
Struggling with trust or jealousy
Feeling “too much” but unable to stop reaching out
At its root, anxious attachment often comes from inconsistent caregiving—where love and attention felt unpredictable or conditional.
Avoidant Attachment: “Don’t Get Too Close”
Those with avoidant attachment value independence and tend to pull away when relationships get emotionally intense.
Their inner voice might say:
“I need space.”
“This is too much.”
“They’re being needy.”
Common patterns include:
Withdrawing emotionally during conflict
Downplaying feelings or needs
Feeling suffocated by closeness
Being uncomfortable with vulnerability
Avoidant attachment can form when caregivers were emotionally unavailable or discouraged dependence.
Anxious + Avoidant: The Push-Pull Dynamic
When an anxious and avoidant partner pair up (which often happens!), it can create a painful dance:
The anxious partner pursues, needing closeness.
The avoidant partner withdraws, needing space.
Each person's strategy activates the other's core wound. The more one reaches, the more the other retreats.
Without awareness, this cycle can feel exhausting and even traumatic.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes. Attachment styles aren’t life sentences—they’re learned patterns, and they can be unlearned.
Healing often involves:
Therapy that fosters emotional safety and awareness
Relationships that model secure connection
Learning to regulate your nervous system
Rewriting core beliefs about love and worthiness
You don’t have to become “perfectly secure” to have healthy relationships. Small steps toward understanding your patterns—and your partner’s—can create big shifts.
What Secure Love Looks Like
In secure attachment, there’s room for both closeness and space. You can disagree without fearing abandonment. You can share feelings without fearing overwhelm.
Secure love feels like:
Trust that you're loved, even in conflict
Ability to express needs without shame
Comfort with intimacy and independence
Repairing ruptures instead of avoiding them
Final Thoughts
Understanding whether your attachment is more anxious or avoidant isn’t about labelling yourself—it’s about compassion. These patterns are survival strategies. You did what you had to do to stay connected or safe.
But now, as an adult, you have the power to change the dance.
And that change starts with awareness.
